The Toddler

Ain’t dictators…sorry, toddlers I mean, very cute, as in cute like little foxes… always up to something some might even say they are cunning or maybe that’s just my dictator?

BANG.

“Mammmieeeeeeee”

Of course I jumped like a mother lion being called into battle, OK perhaps not that dramatic but you get the idea.

He was standing in front of his bedroom door, wiping his eyes.

“Mammmmieee” he wailed, which I am pretty sure was for dramatic effect as his older brother J, came out of his cave.

I looked at him, checked him over, no blood, no scratches, no red mark, no bump, no bruises but lots of snot and tears.

I cuddled him while I informed the middle guy that there is nothing to see and to go back into his cave “If I asked you to come out of your room, you wouldn’t be half as fast, go back to bed will ya” I tutt (which I have noticed has become something that pops out of my mouth more and more often… I 1000% blame the ‘mammy’ gene)

“What happened Dee Dee?” I asked, as I saw that his gate was still locked.

“I climbed and hit my bum and now I’ve no nappy so it hurt, my bum hurted me. Look at it Mammmmieee pwease”

I checked his bum, it was grand and he was still dry– whoo hoo, it’s these little victories that I must relish.

“Shh, it’s ok Dee Dee, your bum bum is fine and you’re dry, good job” I gave him a quick cuddle.

“Now, Dee Dee, did you climb over your gate?” I looked him square in the eye.

He nodded.

“What?! Did you climb over the very dangerous gate ?”

“I did mammy. I am so so so so so so sorrwee”

“You know Dee Dee, mammy is upset that you would climb the gate, it is a dangerous gate to climb”

“I said alweady I was sorrwee. I am sorrwee.”

“You must not do that again ‘cos next time you could hurt your bum or your head and then what would happen?”

“I would have a sore bum and head and belly and leg and arm and fingwer and toe and ear and face and nose an..”

“Dee Dee look at mammy” I had to cut him off otherwise we’d be there all night naming every single part of his body he could hurt.

“You are not allowed to climb the gate. It is dangerous.”

He nodded. “‘Tis a naughty ‘ol gate mammy”

“No the gate isn’t naughty. Climbing the gate is naughty and dangerous”

“I’m not naughty!” He declared, insulted by my accusation.

“Climbing the gate is naughty”

“OH..” He looked at the gate then back at me.

“Do not climb the gate.”

“Oh..otay so mammy. I won’t climb the gate” he kissed my cheek.

I put him back into his room, reminded him about how dangerous climbing the gate could be and went off down the stairs.

“It was an acerdent mammieee , I am sorrwee” his voice roared down the stairs.

Ethan was now awake, demanding I take him for a walk while cave boy was out again trying not to laugh.

“Bed” I pointed to J’s room before I even got to Dee Dee.

I took the dictator up in my arms and lifted him back over his closed gate.

Ignoring his ‘sorrwee’ I went into Ethan , “Bed time buddy” I gently guided him back to bed only to be told to ‘Fug off ‘ which I did.

“Now Dee Dee, do not climb the gate again. You will hurt yourself” I was trying not to lose my sh!t, as I reminded myself ‘The Game of Thrones’ was on pause, it was all ok, pause means it won’t play, it’s ok, I reassured myself.

“Mammy, I won’t do it again.” He laid down on the bed.

“Good boy” I kissed his forehead, hoping the next time I kissed him he’d be fast asleep.

“Mammy, could I have a nappy for tonight ?”

“What? Why?” I asked in disbelief as he hasn’t had a nappy in nearly two weeks.

“Well, if you give me a nappy I could climb the gate and I won’t get hurted in my bum, I promwise” he smiled.

“No. No. No. Nappies are all in the bin” I didn’t know what else to say, I was secretly impressed he had figured a nappy would provide him with padding.

“Ethans ones too?”  He tilted his head. “Daddy’s home!” He exclaimed as we both heard the front door open.

“No you can’t have Ethans pull-ups and you better go to sleep before I tell daddy all about you climbing” Yes, I know, another ‘mammy’ thing that just slips out from time to time … I also needed to get ‘The Game of Thrones’ off the TV before D walked into the sitting room.

“I never naughty climb the gate again,I promwise it”  he shook his head as if he was disappointed in himself.

“Ger have you been watching Game of thrones?” His voice was behind me. Oops I was caught.

“Dee Dee climbed over his gate, twice tonight” I ratted my own son out, in my defence, I knew D wasn’t going to understand my need to see the next episode and (patience isn’t my strong suit) I needed to take the ‘heat’ off me while I figured out a good excuse as to why the Game of Thrones was paused on our TV.

“Daddy!” Dee dee put his arms out for a cuddle.

“Only twice? Well that wasn’t too bad. Did ya hurt your bum again Dee Dee?”

“Yes daddy I did. I need nappy but mammy says no and I told mammy I was so sorrwee ”

“I told you Dee Dee, if you climbed with no nappy it would hurt, so now you’ve to stop, cos guess what?”

“What daddy what I guessed what ?” Dee Dee’s eyes were far too big and alert for 10pm, my hopes of watching two episodes of Game of Thrones was fading fast.

“You’re a big boy now, you can ask to be let out and you don’t need a nappy anymore. Isn’t that great?” D kissed him.

“It ‘tis ! It ‘tis”  Dee agreed.

“Night buddy” we both kissed him and went off down the stairs.

“Has he been climbing that gate?” I asked D.

“Oh yeah, for a while now; but that’s only the thrid time he has climbed it without the padding of his nappy”

“That’s news to me!”

“ Ah yeah. I had told him he’d hurt himself and then what would we do and sure I went up and down a few times and I thought I’d gotten through to him but clearly I hadn’t. Hopefully that will be the end of it now or at least for tonight.”

“I said the exact same thing to him tonight and he acted like it was the first time he had heard it, Christ I feel like he played me! A good hour I was going up and down to him! Do you think he played me?”

“Well, yeah, I reckon he hoped you’d give him a nappy or that you’d believe his “I’m so sorry” line….Enough about that …I have a way more serious question…why is the Game of Thrones paused on our TV?”

I learned two valuable things — Dee Dee is a clever little sh!te and knows how to ‘play’ me and the Game of Thrones is an addiction , an addiction to be shared between wife and husband …when one chooses to watch it alone it can cause an argument. I reckon the Game of Thrones is responsible for many an argument within the marital home. Right?

This was originally published on FamilyFriendlyHQ