worry worry worry

“They” say if everyone put their worries on a table, you’d take back your own ~ whom ever “they” are, have no idea what “they” are talking about.

Tonight, for example, we accidentally gave Ethan two rounds of his usual meds, instead of his normal one round. Now, the meds in question are to help keep him calm, they are anti psychotic meds. He is currently on the smallest dose possible, he has been on this dosage for nearly two years. Each and every time we have an appointment regarding the dosage, we are reminded that Ethan can handle more if we would like to give him more. We decline as he is nice and calm on them and we don’t want to ‘lose’ him and his fiery personality altogether.

Now, my rational mind tells me, he will be fine. D has calmed me enough for me to be able to even type this! But, but my irrational mind is panicking, even though I am totally aware that it is a drop, an extra drop- 0.025ml, to be exact, that we gave him. I have placed the babys’ monitor into his room so I can watch and listen to him, all night long, which I will do. I will not sleep tonight.

My option now, is to ring a hospital, over 2 hours away, to speak with a doctor who does not know Ethan and who will probably be unfamiliar with the meds in question. Obviously, they will tell me to take him to the hospital to be observed for the night. I’ve been through this observation malarkey before. Ethan is asleep, snoring as he always does.

I am anxious and cannot wait for morning to break. I have many nights like these where I do not know what I should do, where I let my irrational mind take over from my rational mind, the worry consumes me so much, that I have a panic attack or I ring the hospital, talk to a trainee doctor who figures the best thing to do ( to cover his own ass, obviously, and understandably so) is to bring Ethan to hospital. I end up in a tiny bed, trying to rest while Ethan stays awake the whole night long, as he hates hospital, morning will eventually arrive and they’ll tell me he is OK.

I am trying my hardest to let my rational mind take over. It is proving very difficult.

So, if everyone put their worries on a table right now, I’d grab the one that hasn’t got me all panicked, up all night checking to see if my 12 year old is breathing every few minutes, has my mind and heart racing but knows, knows deep down he will be grand.

I do realise I sound kind of nuts, maybe I am. Having a child like Ethan can do that to a person, I worry over most things that you could not even imagine, silly little things to huge, huge things.

My default seems to be worry mode. Being away for four days I worried. I was constantly texting to make sure the boys were ok. Flying I worried. Driving I worried. Leaving Ethan with a team of professionals in a respite home, I worried like mad, even though I know them all, he loves it there and they know how to care for him!! I start to imagine ‘What if…’ and Christ can I let that take over.

So, tonight I am going to monitor my own son and I know he will be fine, I know he’s not poisoned and I know it’s a tiny dose…I just need my whole brain thinking the same way.

It is going to be a long night for me, not for D, as that man can think rationally in the worst of circumstances and he has never been wrong, especially when it comes to Ethan and my worries.

…and breath……

Author

geraldinesmyth@gmail.com

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