There are a lot of different types of school gate mammies . Shall we talk about them and see how many you recognise?

The perfectly dressed one.

You glare at the togetherness of her ,she always greets you with a smile each and every morning – she’s probably younger than you, her hair is brushed and she even has makeup on . You’d secretly like to run up to her and point at your own face and say “enjoy it all now lady ,cos this ,this is the you of the future“ – you don’t say this obviously ; instead you smile and wave at her happy head through gritted teeth.

The newly pregnant lady .

She’s had one baby before but that delivery didn’t go according to plan but this one will, she’ll make sure of it. She’s all about her choices during labour , how the tape will play softly in the background, probably whales or some bullsh*t like that , then she will give a big push and pop; out will come baby , amniotic sac and all.
You smile; inside your laughing your ass off and debating whether or not to let her know her previous delivery is far more realistic than her planned one …
You don’t share this wisdom ; instead you reassure her with the one chestnut of wisdom every mother pulls out when they don’t want to tell you the truth; ‘it will all be fine’. You have flash backs of all your labours while a shiver dances along your spine, you’re not talking to her again until after the baby is born.

The one who’s ‘baby’ has started school .

She’s devastated. You’re trying really hard not to dance for joy that you’ve just dropped your own child at the school gate. You’d love to tell her by the time Easter comes around she’ll be wondering why the school has so many mid-term breaks.
You don’t share these thoughts ; instead you tell her “ they’ll be ok and to take time for herself now” while you wonder if Penneys opens exactly at 9am..

The one who’s always asking for advice .

She stands and waits for you , you try to avoid her but alas she calls your name. You paint a smile on your face as she unloads her burdens to you and asks for advice ; no problem so far except every other time you’ve given advice she has blatantly ignored it. She is what you now call an Askhole. Obviously , you don’t call her that to her face, instead you give crap advice in the hopes she’ll become someone else’s askhole.

The one who’s child is the most amazing .

You try really hard not to roll your eyes while she tells you what little Richard did last night and he’s only 5! You’re secretly wondering if amazing ‘Dicky’ will grow up to a little like Norman from Bates Motel as he stands opposite you, staring at his mammy as she speaks. You don’t share this observation , instead you smile and say “well done Richard”.

The one who can one up anybody regardless of what you are discussing.

You try really hard not to discuss anything with this lady, but even mentioning an appointment seems to rally her one upped ness . “Oh I had that last year, I’m telling you it’s not a big deal , well for you it won’t be, for me it was a little more difficult…” She’s still talking while you are wondering about what to make for dinner …

The one who loves nothing more than to ride those coattails of her Johnnys .

Yes, the bragger. You really really want to gag her but you can’t. Instead you feel compelled to engage in what your own Johnny has achieved despite telling yourself not to get drawn in…you do. You feel awful for the pack of lies you’ve just told because deep down you know your own Johnny is happy as a pig in sh*t reaching the next level of whatever game he’s playing on the X-box. You remind yourself never to stoop to that level again as you walk away thinking ‘maybe I should enroll my johnny in piano classes’

The one who likes to question you, not to be confused with the askhole.

This one asks you so many personal questions that you begin to think she’s wearing a wire. Maybe she is? You learn to answer with short answers. The fear of God she’ll think you’re rude flashes through your mind until you realise she’s just asked you how much your house costs or your car …you lie, you exaggerate and on your best days you simply bullsh*t her with some awesome ‘gossip’.

The one who volunteers .

She’s lovely, good natured and liked by everyone. You dodge her. You can’t listen to another roundabout way of being asked to help with the bake sale. ‘I don’t want to’ your head is screaming , instead you tell her “ I can’t this time, but maybe next time” and there and then you know she will hunt you out for ‘next time’, you scold yourself as you walk away.

The one who’s child hates your child.

Kids will be kids and you’re ok with that. She’s not. She’s so worried her child will become a bully simply because they don’t like one kid. She tries hard to force her one to be friends with your one, but by then your one doesn’t like her one and now you’ve to deal with the forcing of the relationship that really was never meant to be. You’d love to confide in her that your own kid can be a little sh*t and you’re fine with him not being friends with her little darling but you can’t say that ; she’d surely share it with know-it-all Sue, so you say “I’m afraid we can’t this weekend …” until she eventually stops asking …any day now.

The know it all one .

Yep I mentioned her briefly above ; she’s the one who knows the run of the school, who’s who of the staff and what supports are in place before her darling steps foot in the building , while you still can’t find the right classroom . She also knows who’s kid is who’s . You can’t help but feel sorry for her husband who presumably wouldn’t get away with a sneaky pint…ever. You smile as she shares her knowledge with you, knowing that you’ll have to go back to her at some point during the year, you keep it friendly .

The one who is a ray of bloody golden sunshine.

You like her a lot. You stay beside her just hoping her happiness will rub off you, if only for an hour. After you speak with her you walk away wondering what drugs she could be possibly taking to be that happy about everything. She’s a positive Nelly who if you’re not careful can turn you into a negative Nora because she’s far too happy. You keep her in the mammy at the gate circle just for a little positivity , if nothing else.

The school gate mammies aren’t they full of fun, wisdom and great material for a blog post?!

Yes, I admit, there’s a little bit of all these mammies in myself – I am the dodger (FYI) , I just want to get in, get my kid, and get the heck out!

What about you?

This was originally published on FamilyFriendlyHQ