Christmas ~ the reality for me

Christmas Time ~ it’s the most wonderful time of the year~ or so we are told.

Don’t get me wrong, Winter is my absolutely favourite season and with that comes Christmas – I love Christmas, I do but for me, it isn’t the most wonderful time of the year. It just isn’t.

I spend November thinking about what to get the boys, with quick calculations I realise I can’t get the boys what I would I like. I must budget, and budget wisely, which I still haven’t learnt.

J is easier to buy for, well, he was, until this year, he wants an iPad, a mobile phone and a games console. I have told him “I am not Vincent”~ Yes, I have turned into my dad, I am aware!
J still believes, (in Santa) but I don’t think he does, he’s full of questions “But mammy, Santa can bring them, it costs you nothing?” he narrows his dark eyes. Baiting me. “Not on electronics J, Santa makes toys not gadgets” I say smugly. I will not tell him about Santa until he asks, I made that mistake with the tooth fairy, I won’t do it for Santa. “THERES NO TOOTH FAIRY!!!” he had roared, running off crying. Now, if the tooth fairy has that kind of reaction, I ain’t doing Santa until I’m sure!

So, J is getting one of the above, hopefully, and a few books. Baby is easy too, couple of noisy toys, that I will regret buying by New Years day, some cute clothes-job done.

Ethan, though, Ethan is hard. I hate buying for Ethan.

Children grow up, children will one day not believe in Santa. My Ethan won’t. My Ethan believes with every fibre in his tiny restricting body, that Santa is real~ he loves Santa.

As the years go by, the toys for Ethan become less and less age appropriate . I hate that. I hate standing in the baby isle of “Smyths” toy store, checking out ‘Handy manny’, ‘Dora’, ‘Jungle junction’ only to realise these toys are too advanced for my 12 year old boy.

It breaks my heart to be quiet honest.

Then I see a 12 year old boy asking his mammy for a Lego Star-Wars set so he can build it, which brings resentment to my being. I am so envious of that mother that I want to scream “Why are you in the baby isle, fuck off!”—I’ve never done that. I doubt I ever will…but the possibility is always there.

I stand in the isle and begin to think in one year the baby will have outgrown Ethans toys. Ethan will be 13 by then, baby will be 2. I push that thought out and take deep breaths as to have a smile on my face by the time D arrives with the trolley. He knows this isle upsets me. We get through it. There are no smiles form us, especially when the shop assistant says “Aww, have ye twins?” (We often buy the same things for baby and Ethan). D always does the answering, I normally walk out.

While Ethan is full of the magic and wonder of Christmas he sadly, forgets that Santa brings gifts. Last Christmas, we woke him up, told him Santa had come, we braced ourselves for his over excited reaction~ it never came. He looked at us blankly and said “School?”

But show him Santa and he still gets excited just not like before. He still jumps up and down screaming “Ho Ho Ho” but forgets all about gifts forgets there is a count down to Santa. We used to have to almost hide Christmas from him until the week before because he was far too excitable. Not now, now though,he just takes the gifts, opens them and walks off to the TV~ it’s hard to find a toy he will love.

Toys and Santa just don’t connect anymore. This is a hard hard pill to swallow, I know there will be a day when Santa will mean nothing to him.

So for now Santa is very real in our house. Santa means a lot to us all but brings such heartbreak too.

Daddy will be dressing as Santa this Christmas Eve ~~ He just doesn’t know it yet!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year~~

Author

geraldinesmyth@gmail.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *