Being a carer in Ireland…

What happens after?

This question weighs heavily on my mind.
This is not an easy piece to write nor is it easy to ‘put it out there’ but…but I do feel we the caregivers must ask this—what happens after?
(I can only speak with regards to my own country -Ireland) It seems what is offered for carers is bereavement counselling, which is obviously a good idea but…what happens after?

My question is still unanswered.

I don’t live in a world where I place myself in the future. I’m unable to processes that my Ethan may not be with me(that was hard to type). Despite that, late at night, with the wind howling, the kids safely tucked up in their beds while D lays beside me happily earning his title of ‘the snore King’ I can’t help but wonder ‘what about me?’..

What happens to me after…
What am I then…
Who am I then…
How will I cope…
How will I mother my two other boys…
How does any parent cope…
What do I do…
Will I still have to hold ‘it’ altogether…

These questions…I hate them.
They sound horrible and …they are horrible.

My heart is even jumping as I type them…

I don’t want to think of our family broken, broken beyond repair…a vital piece missing..I can’t bear it…but yet my mind jumps there, without warning and screams ‘What are you going to do?…’What’s your ‘purpose’ then?’…

I have tried to get involved with night classes, mainly creative writing ones but time will not allow me to go to their events, to showcase , to mingle… money often stops me from attending…

Money, that’s another question that sneaks in…’How will I contribute to our household…to society?’…I don’t know … any of these answers… and that scares me yet I don’t want to look to the future…that scares me even more…

Limbo—that’s what being a carer is here in Ireland. There is support, but you must search it out…when you do …it’s not much. I don’t understand why carers of this beautiful little island can’t be given an education and some training in a career of their choosing,( if the carers choose to do that) it’s really not a lot to ask.

It would stop those questions in my mind that just seem to attack me from nowhere…or at least ease them…

Author

geraldinesmyth@gmail.com

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