Every single new school year I mentally make an ‘I will do it better this year’ list .
Strangely enough at the end of school year I have a mental list of ‘ What I could have done better ’ which is eerily similar to my list at the beginning of the school year.
This year I figured if I wrote it all down I might stand a better chance.
1- I will make a lovely lunch – oh yes, a beautiful sandwich with fantastic fillings.
I will not use the heel of the loaf.
I will not forget to butter the bread.
I will remember Strawberry Jam isn’t really a sandwich.(apparently)
I will not use cracker bread because I forgot to buy bread.
I will not run out of bread.
I will not just throw ham between two slices of bread and call it a sandwich.
2- I will ensure all school bags are checked daily.
I will open the bags up and look into them with my own two eyes.
I will not trust J to do his own bag.
I will be more curious when I get a weird smell, I will not presume it is the food bin.
I will wash lunch boxes each and every evening.
I will look for toys and electronics in the ‘hidden’ pockets of the bags.
3- I will check cuffs, necks and uniforms daily for stains , rips and of course toys.
I will inspect each uniform daily.
I will check pockets for Lego.
I will check pockets for sweets.
I will not use baby wipes to freshen up or remove stains- it is a fruitless task.
I will wash uniforms every single Friday.
I will remember to turn on the washing machine every single Friday.
I will purchase extra shirts and remember where I left them.
4- I will not lose my sh*t over homework.
I will not tutt when my darling doesn’t know 9X9 at the top of his head (even though we spent weeks doing these very tables only months ago)
I will not lose my sh*t when he blankly stares at me and states “Teacher never showed us how to do that one”
I will not utter the words:
“God grant me patience” or
“I cannot do it for you J” or
“It’s not my homework!”
I will most certainly not morph into my prepubescent self.
5- I will respond to all notes re bake sales and sale of works.
I will become a mammy version of ‘Liam Neeson’ and I will find those notes.
I will read the notes.
I will sign the notes.
I will put the note back into the correct school bag.
I will not trust that there is no note especially when I am waiting to hear from teacher.
I will not be a day or ten late with my bought buns, I will be on time.
I will remember to put money in bag for whichever son needs it because I’ll have read the note! All the notes.
6- I will be up early enough so no one has to eat their toast in the car or bus.
I will not rush into my sons room screaming “Get up! Get up! Christ we are all late , Why is the responsibility on me to get all of you up in time?!GET UP NOW!”
I will not scream “Hurry on” and then mutter for f*ck sake under my breath (probably too loudly as my dictator repeats and tutts directly after me)
I will not yell– full stop.
I will not panic anyone by yelling “Hurry on, what in good BLEEP are you doing up there..dad is leaving in five..four ..three..”
I will not go hunting for the left or right shoe, I will have foreseen this and have the matching shoes sitting on the step of the stairs the night before.
7- I will be smiling in the mornings.
I will not grunt at any member of my lovely beautiful family no matter how much they irritate me.
I will not frown when my darlings take twenty minutes to brush their teeth, I will simply encourage them to brush a ‘tad faster’.
I will be calm.
I will not act like an interrogator – have you your lunch, your P.E gear , your pencil case, your homework , your goddamn school bag.
I will take deep breaths as I watch my darling looking for his left glove.
8- I will not answer a phone call from either school with the words “oh God what did he do now?”
I will presume the teacher/principal/ nurse could be ringing for a chat.
I will not apologise on behalf of either son, until the teacher or principal have finished speaking.
I will not presume there’s been a horrid accident when the school nurse rings to ask about Ethan’s medication, I will let her finish her sentence.
I will not presume Ethan has landed someone in the school nurse’s office (either) when she rings – basically I will wait until the lady has finished speaking.
I will not presume the worst when I see either school number flash up on my phone.
9- I will listen to my son playing his tin whistle .
I will not suggest he practice out in the shed.
I will not suggest he practice when mammy and daddy are gone to dodgeball.
I will not suggest that he is scaring the neighbourhood cats.
I will encourage his musical talent and I will do this with a straight face.
10- I will have bags packed and lunches made every evening.
I will make up lunches (see point 1) every evening after I have done the dishes from the dinner.
I will not end up doing lunches in the morning WHILE yelling at the kids to “eat up, brush your teeth, find your shoes, comb your hair..” ( basically see points 6 & 7)
I will have all their school bags ready the night before school ;like I have tonight, the night before a new school years begins…yes I shall do this every night.
I will not end up running around the house while waving at Ethan’s bus looking for Ethan’s AFO, which he took off the night before and threw at me but missed and I never bothered to retrieve it.
Above all else I will channel my inner Jamie Oliver with a sprinkle of Gwyneth Paltrow while keeping a lid on my Gordan Ramsey mouth.
Yes, I can and will do it this year.
Ah who am I kidding …
I‘ll get them to school, they’ll have a lunch kudos to me!
Like all other parents …I will try…and try…and try!!
This was originally published on FamilyfreindlyHQ